Why do our lives seem to live within a vicious cycle??
It was Sunday afternoon. I was walking through the creek bottoms of the family farm I grew up on. I made my way up the long, slow-graded, tractor path to catch the sunset. Earlier I had indulged in some delicious BBQ ribs and wanted to get some form of activity in, but at the top of the hill I stopped as I turned to take in the hazy sun that was setting just over the green-filled valleys.
The actual moment that I am describing....
Then came reflection. I asked myself some questions.
Questions that I feel we often neglect.
The basic questions.
What are the areas in my life that I want to improve?
Where do I want to be in 1 year? 5 years? And when I visualize that, when I ‘see’ where I want to be, am I currently living in alignment? Am I on the correct path? Am I making the right decisions? Am I taking the action that is needed to reach that vision in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years?
I asked myself, “Am I the person that I NEED to be in order to make that 1 year, 5 year a reality?”
If not, then what do I need to do?
What actions do I need to take?
What decisions do I need to make?
What beliefs do I need to form?
Basic questions. You may be shaking your head and saying, “Yeah-yeah, such novel ideas, Brian."
But how often do we really take the time to sit in silence and reflect on these questions. To really think about them. To be objective enough to understand or recognize if we are in fact in alignment with our vision, our mission our dreams. Better yet, how clear are we on our vision, our mission and our dreams? Do we even know what they are?
We can be so caught up in every day distractions and most often times caught up in self-imposed distractions that prevent us (consciously or unconsciously) from reflecting on these “basic” questions and objectively answering them.
So simple, but how consistently do we assess our life situation and create a blueprint to reach our ideals? When have we even declared our ideals so that we can actually create our life blueprints?
But there I was standing at the top of the hill, reflecting in silence as I watched the sun set. I visualized my ideal life. And within this ideal life, what did my ideal……
Body/health look like?
Business/finances look like?
Relationships/family look like?
Psychology/mindset look like?
The balance of these Four is critical. And when I visualized my ideal, my dream, it became painfully obvious as to which one was out of alignment. The actions I am taking, the behaviors, and the beliefs that I currently have are NOT in alignment with my ideal when it came to this one category.
Relationships/family.
When I visualized my idea relationship/family situation this is what I saw: a strong, loving, respectful, passionate and adventurous relationship with a women that I absolutely adored. Someone that I could share all of these life experiences with. Someone to share deep conversions with. Someone to chase dreams with. Someone to share life with, but maintain our independence with mutual support, encouragement and passion. A relationship that brought out the best in each of us. A relationship where we each challenged each other to become and be the best version of ourselves. A relationship with deep found respect for one another and great ambition for deepening our connection and love.
And then I saw our family. Kids, with the home, the private land, the family routines, the family days, the family adventures. How we would have the freedom to do whatever we want and when we want. We’d have the ability and freedom to never have to miss out on our kid’s milestones. We’d have the ability to travel the world, as a family, to open our family to different cultures, different ways of thinking, different ways of acting. Simply to experience all that life has to offer. To see the world. To experience the world. To Think Different. To Live Different.
Now I looked at my current actions, my current behaviors and my current beliefs…..
It was obvious that I was/am out of alignment. My current actions, behaviors and beliefs will NOT lead me down the road that ends up at my ideal.
Far from it.
This is how I was/am living: since my last serious relationship ended (3 years ago) I all but shut off that part of my life. I focused all of my energy and efforts on the others (Body, Business, Psychology-Spirituality) and the last thing on my mind was a relationship. I viewed it as a major distraction and didn not want to invest any time or energy into a relationship, because I was ‘lazer’ focused. The pendulum swung. But for good reason, because while in that relationship I neglected the others (Body, Psychology-spirituality), the pendulum was pulled in the other direction (all relationship at the expense of my body/health, spirituality and business). I was in desperate need of realignment. I was in a dark place in my life. I was at rock bottom. Which you can read about in my blog post #9 "When I Hit Absolute Rock Bottom".
However, I feel I’ve went too far the other direction. I’ve pulled the pendulum too far in the opposite direction.
As you can see the key is the balancing of the 4 in order to prevent the overcompensation and becoming so out of alignment that you damage 1 or all of the others, which inevitably leads the pendulum swinging back and the vicious cycle starts again.
I’m ready for growth in the relationship category. I’ve certainly devoted the time and energy needed to build up my other 3, but I may have went too long and too intense.
I need to focus on the ‘key’, the balancing.
I also need to understand that even though I know ‘relationships’ is out of alignment, I cannot shift too much force onto that at the expense of the others. If I do, I’ve simply pulled the pendulum the other direction and it will just be a matter of time before it falls and swings the other way. And the vicious cycle continues.
That’s the cycle most of us live for a lifetime. Think about it.
Let me use an example to hammer this home:
I will use myself as the example and lets assume that I don’t understand the concept of maintaining the balance of the 4 life categories (Body/health - Business/finances - Relationships/family - Mind/psychology)
Example…..
- In a long-term relationship, but focusing intensely on my body and business.
> This is when you find yourself spending endless hours at the gym and stressing or obsessing with what you can and/or should eat. You spend most waking minutes lazered in on your business or career goals, all other things are just a distraction to you. This prevents you from wanting to spend your time on date nights, social events, going out to eat, or just sitting down with your significant other with some coffee conversation and gosh forbid you have ice-cream with them! Your connection with your significant other suffers because your energy and focus is directed at your health/body and business/finances, but you are blind to this because you feel you are doing this for “them”. You’re spending all your time at the gym or refuse to indulge because you want to look good for “them”. You spend endless hours on your business, on the phone or at the office because you are trying to build a better life for “them”. Careful, because it’s just a matter of time before the pendulum MUST swing, but it may be too late if you don’t become aware. <
- Realize that I’m neglecting the relationship, shift efforts onto the relationship at the expense of body/health and business.
< Here you find yourself fighting for your relationship back or maybe you’re seeking some attention from your significant other. Going to the gym every day or staying at the office or working until 8,9,10pm is no longer the norm for you or of major concern. Work can wait, besides its just ‘work’ to you. Now you ask for those date nights, you go out of your way to spend time with him/her, you do things for them and you look to give them attention. However, now you’ve put your own health to the back burner and your business/finances have slipped as well because you’ve lost some ambition there. Your focus is the relationship, or maybe you’re someone that needs a lot of attention, love and compassion from your partner and your entire relationship has been about them, pleasing them, making them happy in hopes they send back some love. During this process you’ve dropped your health, you’ve put on some weight, you lack the energy, you put in the time you must at work or business, but you’d rather spend your time with them. You seem lack the drive you once had, but you just feel that work is no longer a top priority to you as you realize that life is about connection, about people, about relationships..… <
…..It’s not long before the pendulum MUST swing back….
- Realize my business/finances, body and health is suffering and needs some work/attention. Shift focus to my health and my business.
>Here, once again, you find yourself out of shape, low on energy and realize that your business/career is not flourishing at the rate you wish or desire. You realize you need to make a change and you do. Maybe you’ve become newly single or maybe you feel a need for a break at this juncture… You want to focus on “you”. You want to get your health back; you want to spend more time on ‘you’. You start to envision massive business/career goals. You go full force and chase them. You devote yourself to nutrition and to the gym (maybe even get a trainer, spend $ on programs, magazines etc…). You start putting in extra time at the office or on your business, you’re driving hard. You’re determined to make shit happen! <
> Or you may find yourself completely committed to your body and to your health because you’ve come to realize that this is the ONE thing that you can completely control and you love that fact. You live in the gym, you prep all food, you read all ingredients, you would never have a burger and you passively look down on those that do such a thing. You’re just getting by on your business or career or finances. You may be broke or just ok, but not flourishing. Your relationships are non existent, unless they are your ‘other half’ that live the very same lifestyle, otherwise it would hinder your progress in the body/health department and you are NOT willing to let that slip or lose any sort of focus in that area of your life. <
I have been within each of these cycles.
I’ve pulled the pendulum in all directions and watched the inevitable swing in the opposite direction.
There will be times in our lives where we need realignment, which is given. But here in lies the key – to not direct so much force, effort and focus in the opposite direction that you simply pull the pendulum so high that it must swing back again, which continues the vicious cycle.
Awareness is key.
The awareness that we must realign, but in the proper amount. We must be aware enough to not shift so large that we neglect 1 or multiple other categories of our lives.
Power is in the balancing act.
Consistent assessment becomes essential in balancing.
Asking those questions and answering becomes your GPS to life.
Here’s a very simply format to use on a consistent basis to assess your balance and determine where you may need to slightly shift your focus – where you need realignment.
When you think of the following, on a scale of 1-10, what would a 12 look like for you? (Write it out, be descriptive, and visualize it).
- Your health/body
- Your Psychology/mindset/spirituality
- Your business/career/finances
- Your relationships/family
Now, where are you currently at on a scale 1-10? Which one is way out of balance in comparison to the others?
Now, in order to reach that 12, what do you need to DO?
What actions must you take, what behaviors must you establish, what beliefs must you form in order to become your 12?
Where are you out of alignment?
When you reflect and visualize, are you living in alignment with your ideal? Are you making the right decisions, taking the right action and holding the correct beliefs that will lead to your ideal: body/health, business/finances, relationships/family, psychology/mindset?
Where are you out of balance?
Are you focusing entirely on one or two at the expense of others? Are you awesome with business and finance at the expense of your health and body? Are you terrific with your body and health, but your finances are shit and you’re masking insecurities (your psychology)?
Now you may see it. But to prevent the pendulum swing you must continue to ask yourself the questions, reflect and ‘see’ so that you can live with intention, purpose and in alignment with your ideals (your 12).
You need your life blueprints. Because the glory is, they are your blueprints and they can be whatever the hell you please!
YOU are the creator. YOU create your life.
But unless we have those blueprints, those guiding post, we’re just out there reacting and not living with intention and purpose.
Know your ideals.
Live in alignment with your ideals.
Remain in a healthy balance .
because…..
Life…..It’s a balancing act.
You can….Have It All!
