When difficult times come into our lives we are all faced with a decision. What is that decision? I will share what I feel that decision is, but first I’ll share a story.
During my childhood and adolescence I idolized my Dad. I wanted to be just like him. So I acted like him, talked like him, thought like him and took his word as ‘The Way.’ His opinions and beliefs became my opinions and beliefs. In my eyes, my Dad was stronger, more mentally tough and powerful than any person I knew. I viewed him as King-like.
A moment I captured on our 13th Harley trip out west Sept 2015...and created this image to represent how I view my father.
On April 1st, 2014 I was in the bedroom of my apartment when I received a call from my mother that would forever change our lives. A few weeks prior, my Dad went for his annual physical. Everything seemed ok. But during one of my a visits home, he mentioned to me how his calcium levels were elevated. There was no real concern at this time as the doctors figured it was his diet. It wasn’t until a few follow-ups that they showed some concern and scheduled some pre-cautionary testing.
Then the phone call came from my Mom. I picked it up………
“The tests came back and it’s cancer.”
An immediate sinking, emptiness and pit feeling came rushing through my gut. Then an immediate rush of, worst case scenario, thoughts came flooding through my mind.
You hear the term cancer daily. There’s a great chance that every single person in this world has at least an associate, friend or family member with cancer. But it’s one of those “things” where you never allow yourself to even think it could happen to you or an immediate family member, until one day, it becomes a reality.
Even after hearing the fact that my Dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma (type of bone cancer), I don’t think I ever believed it or thought it was that big of a deal. My mother told me it was not curable, but it was treatable. I latched on to the term treatable and more importantly, I think, subconsciously, I still held that King-like view of my Dad. A belief that nothing could bring him down, he’s too strong and powerful. Which led to a feeling and attitude of, “He will get some treatment and everything will be fine.”
The journey has not turned out to be that smooth. He continues to face some major obstacles and battles through major mental and physical challenges, on a daily basis. And his ability to fight through some major chemotherapy treatments continues to prove that is is pretty damn strong, just as I thought!
But like the title of this article states, “From a Son’s Perspective”, how have I, as a son, handled this situation? Well, I have used this life situation as a means to travel inward and gain a deeper understanding of the lessons and meanings that live within. Three years ago, I was faced with another unexpected life situation that shook my world, which led to hitting rock bottom (you can read about that HERE). This ultimately propelled me into a 3 year personal development journey. I have no doubt, that journey, heavily prepared me for “The call” I received on April 1st, 2014.
You see, when my Mom said those words, “He has cancer”, I had all of the typical emotions, thoughts and feelings rush through my mind and body. Waves of stress, worry, anger, fear, sorrow, denial and feeling sorry for myself (“Why does this have to happen to ‘ME’!?).
But this time around, things were different.
Three years ago, I would not have been able to stop or redirect these feelings and thoughts. I would have latched on to them, given them my attention, focus and energy which would have led to those feelings and thoughts intensifying.
But like I said, this time was different. I simply noticed those thoughts and feelings, never giving them any more attention, focus or energy. Thus, never allowing them to intensify or allowing myself to be sucked deeper into the victimhood trap. I literally asked myself this question: “Will these thoughts, worry, fear, anger and emotions cure my Dad’s cancer?” My Dad has cancer, now what can I do?
That’s where we face the decision.
A decision to choose to look at the lessons or choose to focus our attention and energy on the negative, the pain, the sorrow. You see, whenever you’re in a difficult life situation, there will be ample amounts of fuel for a victim mentally to feast on.
How?
Every person you see will make sure to say, “That’s so terrible. I’m so sorry. I feel for you and your family.” When we are looking to show compassion towards others, that are in a difficult situation, those are the natural responses we give to others. However, displaying compassion with those phrases can become high-octane fuel for a victim mentality. It’s like a prime cut fillet mignon for the victim-ego.
Let me explain, If we adapt an identity as a ‘victim’ every single time we hear those comments our victim identity will strengthen and strengthen. This becomes a slippery slope. Soon enough we will see the entire world as unfair, dangerous, out to get us, difficult and become resentful.
It’s a real paradox. People feel as if they are being supportive, when in fact they may be, but they are also opening up a very dangerous door. A door to the victim-ego all-you-can-eat buffet. It’s dangerous IF we have adapted the identity of a victim. Now when the friends and family “console” us with their words such as: “Poor you, I feel so bad for you. That’s such a tragedy. I can’t believe that happened to you. I feel for you. That’s so unfair. That’s a terrible situation.” Those words are fuel for the ego’s newly formed identity of, Victim. The ego has one job, to strengthen its’ identity and it does not care if the identity serves your life in a positive or negative way. So when you hear those words, the ego will latch onto them, identifying with those words of ‘consoling’ and use it to strengthen its’ victim identity. That’s the slippery slope, which can lead to a very, very dark hole. And I took a visit to that hole during my last major life situation. I adapted a victim identity and “fed” that baby daily, hourly! Thought after thought, story after story, I fed the victim the fuel it needed to live on.
Again, thankfully things were different this time around.
This time around I was conscious, aware and detached from identifying with the ego. The ego never goes away, but I no longer identify with it. I no longer see my ego as, I. When we make this separation from our egos, we can identify when an ego is trying to be formed, particularly one that will not serve our lives. Therefore, allowing us to sift through our thoughts, feelings and beliefs and give attention to the ones that will improve the quality of our life. It’s important to remember this one fact, our feelings are a reflection of our thoughts and the ability to identify these thoughts, release them, and shift to new thoughts that serve us = personal liberation, freedom and empowerment.
Example: You feel sad, frustrated or down. Noticing how you feel, you turn inward to become aware of the thoughts you are generating and the stories you are creating within your mind. This awareness allows you to notice thoughts and stories such as:
“Nothing ever works out the way it is. Why is this happening to me. I’ve tried everything and it never works. I never catch a break. I don’t have _______. I know this will (insert any negative thought).”
If you’re conscious enough, you become aware of this mental chatter and become empowered to shift the thoughts and the stories to those that will serve you. It takes practice. It’s never easy at the beginning, but keep shining your consciousness on the thoughts and stories. We must understand that we CAN master our mind and understand that our brain is a tool that works FOR us. It does NOT use us.
NOTE: There’s something we should be aware of when we adapt this empowered mindset, the ego will throw it in your face if you don’t allow yourself to give attention to the worry, the stress, the fear, the anger, the sorrow….. We will hear it say things such as: “How dare you. How can you not give your attention to those thoughts and feelings, we are a victim! You're so cold. How can this not be killing you inside?!” Again, the ego has one job, to strengthen its’ identity. When we become aware of this internal battle, we empower ourselves to redirect our thoughts and feelings in a way that adds value to our lives. And the question becomes, are the thoughts and feelings we give attention to improving our lives or are they adding to the pools of pessimism and self-induced misery?
So how has all of this helped me during this new life situation?
First off, I was able to simply notice the thoughts and feelings, let them drift away and then ask myself the following questions: “Ok, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, now what are we going to do about it? Will filling my mind with thoughts of worry, stress, negativity, doubt and fear cure his cancer? Will it enrich my life and time that I still have with my Dad? What are the life lessons that are coming our way?”
Just to give you an idea as to how this scenario would have played out just 3 years ago, lets take a look at the conversation that would have been going on in my head and the thoughts that I would have given my attention to, after learning of my Dad’s diagnosis:
“I can’t believe this. How could this happen to my Dad? I’ll never get to do _______ with him again. He will never be able to see me get married. He will never meet my kids. He’ll never watch my son play football. This is not fair. He’s too young. Why does this happen to our family. This is just not fair.”
All thoughts of loss, sorrow, resentment, and that of a victim. All stories that I have created in my head. All to feed the identity of a victim.
Have I had thoughts and moments, like those stated above, this time around? Yes, absolutely. I’ve had them all and I’ve broken down before, but what’s different is the amount of attention and time I give those thoughts, stories and feelings. I observe them, feel them and then release them. Letting them drift through me like wind through a screen door.
Can you see the difference between the two scenarios? It’s obvious as to which one will enriched our lives and serve us in a positive way. And the most important fact of all, it’s conscious choice. That’s the determining factor, consciousness and the awareness. An awareness that we DO have a choice. It comes down to a conscious decision.
Three years ago, I was not conscious enough to stay out of the black hole. This time, I was, and I am.
I am aware that I can choose to give cancer the spotlight or I can choose to have enriched moments with my Dad. I am aware that it’s a conscious choice as to where I direct my energy and focus, the thoughts I generate and the beliefs I form. I am aware that the thoughts and feelings I intensify, are also a choice.
I am aware that I can choose to take the stance of a victimized family member, or be the shining light and inspirational family member.
I am aware that at any time in my life, no matter how bad I may feel my life situation has become, somebody in this world has it 100x worse off. Therefore, I will choose to keep things into perspective.
This kind of awareness and cancer has provided me with a gift. A gift disguised in the ability to not only notice the little moments with my Dad, but to cherish them. My Dad is still here, many Sons have lost their father, so I ask myself, “How will I spend the moments that I still have with him?”
My Dad and I. Sharing another great journey together on our 13th trip out west on Harley. Memories that will never be taken.
I have chosen to really BE IN the moments that I have with him. To be there, present, aware and to take notice.
Moments such as:
When we were cruising on our Harleys down I-80 at 80+ mph, side-by-side, across the flats of Kansas as we were coming back from our annual motorcycle trip out west. When I think about that moment, I can still feel his presence next to me and I know that will remain for the rest of my life, long after he is gone.
My dad and I riding side-by-side 80+mph. The exact moment I described above.
When I simply took my dad for a ride on his John Deere gator one cool, crisp fall morning. We pulled up to a hilltop that over looked a valley on his farm, and I noticed the pride he had as he looked over his work of art. When I think about that moment I can still see and feel the pride he had and I know that will remain for the rest of my life, long after he is gone.
My dad overlooking his work of art. The exact moment that I described above.
And a simple moment that happened just a week ago. I was driving my Mom to the fields, where my Dad was combining corn, so she could drop off their food for the day. I was turning around to leave and my dad was driving my way with the massive John Deere combine that makes him sit a good 12 feet off the ground. I happened to look up at him and he gave me a big thumbs up with a smile on his face that I had not seen in years. I will never forget that smile and that exact moment for as long as I live, long after he is gone.
My dad doing what he loves and his calling, farming.
And for that I am grateful. Grateful for those moments that I have become entrenched, deep within my mind and memory. Moments and memories that will never be taken.
In years past, would I have taken notice of these memories with such intensity? Doubtfully.
Had cancer not weaseled its’ way into our family would I have continued to take the moments and memories with my Dad for granted? Possibly.
Has this come into our lives to empower us to live more fully, more openly and take notice of our moments together?
I choose, Yes.
It’s important that we always remember, the meanings we give to life experiences are a choice and forever shape our lives. Thus, making it vital to create meanings that enrich our lives.
And for that, cancer has been a great life lesson and teacher. That’s the decision I have made. A decision to see the underlying blessings, meanings and lessons that live within a difficult life situation, because it’s a choice. It’s always a choice. And I have chosen the one that will bring more gratitude, joy and love into my life and my Dad’s.
In honor of my Dad, Ron Larson - 'King' and 'The American Badass'!
My dad and I, Sept 2015, the day we headed out west on our 13 annual trip. He pushed through the chemo treatments to make this possible. I didn't know for certain if we'd ever be able to share this journey again, but he made another year. I know he cherished it as well.
Reflection Questions:
- Are you currently facing a difficult life situation? If so, what are you focusing on and giving your attention and energy towards? Are you choosing to see all of the bad, the pain, the sorrow, the loss?
- Can you identify the lessons that live within your difficulties?
- Do you view yourself as a victim and consistency feel sorry for yourself?
- How can you reframe a current life situation in a way that will empower you to see the life lessons and improve the quality of your life?
If you've read this far, you may be interested in an online program that I have created to empower and help others enhance the quality of their lives by learning how to overcome limiting beliefs and their fears that continue to hold them back, enhance their health and fitness, and create a mindset that will enable them to break free of perceived restrictions and ultimately design a life on their own terms. You can learn more about that program HERE.
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