So there I was (about 3 years ago present day) stuck with a business plan/future that I was now completely unsure of, feeling trapped, confused, and alone with an aching pit in my stomach.
Why didn't I know what I wanted yet?
What had I gotten myself into?
I’ve done this much work, came this far trying to fulfill my dream, but now that dream was put into question. This feeling would not go away. I’d plead for clarity and direction, nightly.
And then I had hit my low.
When I felt there was no other option for me and I had pinned myself against the wall, I wanted out. In my mind I thought it would be easier to just have “it” all end. I remember leaning over my bed, entrenched with emotion, broken down, and pleading that life be taken from me. I felt guilty for taking up “space." I would think to myself, "Why had I been left, while others have been unwillingly taken at such an early age?" These are the stories I was telling myself.
I felt hopeless and completely alone. Again, creating all these stories to support a victim’s mentality.
Looking back it’s clear to see I would have never acted, it was just a way to feel pity for myself and create empathy for the situation I found myself in. I had hit rock bottom and the beginning of my transcendence.
This is something I have never shared with anyone, up to this point. I feel it’s necessary to put myself out there so that you can all see the state of mind I was in and the journey I’ve taken to get to the present day and my journey to breaking free.
I had always wondered how people could get to such a negative emotional place in their life....but there I was broken, confused and questioning everything in my life. I had become enslaved by my compulsive and negative thoughts, and when I think back, I feel I was even intentionally generating those thoughts to feel the pain and emotions as if it was a way to feed my pain and victim mentality, that I had identified with. However, while this was occurring I was not aware, I was entrapped by my unconsciously directed mind, the ego.
You may be saying, “Ego? How is that ego?” Let me explain.
I had made that relationship (read about the end of my 6 year relationship and the pain and struggle that followed) part of my identity (ego). I had placed an attachment to it - my relationship/girlfriend. Now, when this ‘identification’ had been abruptly taken away, my ego took a hit. It felt as if something had been taken from it. This is what it means to have self-induced suffering.
The thought that something is a part of you, or makes you whole is called attachment. The fact is, no thing, nor person is “yours” or makes you whole. When that relationship ended was ‘I’ (my being/essence) any less?
No.
But my ego felt it was ‘less’ and that’s what caused all of the suffering. The ego was now in search of something else to strengthen it. Ah-ha!……the answer was…..pain, pitty, victim.
This can be our new identity (pain, suffering, pity, victim) and the ego’s purpose is to strengthen its’ ego/self at all times.
How was it strengthening itself? By generating thoughts, stories and beliefs that would strengthen it’s new found identity – Pain –Pity –Victim – Loss.
Many people get pulled into this cycle and live here for years. The ego strengthens and strengthens its new identity; all while you live in a self-induced stat of misery. The ironic part is you’re completely unconscious of this viscous cycle. You’ve been taken over by your ego, and become enslaved to your unconsciously directed mind and compulsive thinking.
There’s one thing that can break this cycle and defeat the ego – And that is Presence.
Your ability to become completely self-aware, in the Now, and completely present will empower yourself to shift. When you’re in this state you’ve become the ‘observer’ of your thoughts, your ‘observing’ the ego at work. This moment of ‘observation’ is presence, and in the moment of presence ego is lost. – Defeated.
It’s in this state, that you have empowered yourself to consciously redirect your mind, thoughts and beliefs in a direction that positively impacts your life and your personal growth. You’ve come to realize that YOU are the one that’s been creating this “hell on earth” the entire time.
Awareness is how I finally took that initial step into personal liberation. I became aware of the self-generated negativity, defeating thoughts and stories. I then started asking empowering questions such as: “Why am I saying all of this? Why do I consistently play the worst case scenario story in my head?” “Why am I building up such an apocalyptic story?”.
NO MORE!
Although I had absolutely no idea what to do, where to start or how to start, I had broken the pattern because I was aware that I WANTED to get better and feel better. The first thing I started to do was change the inputs, what I allowed to enter my mind. I made sure that every single thing I read, listened to or watched would feed my mind with positive messages and stories.
A minor step, but I was now on the journey to break free. And what a journey it would become. Stay tuned….. Learn about the specific steps I took to break free from rock bottom HERE
Reflection Questions:
1. Can you observe your thoughts? Have you witnessed your egoic mind in action?
2. Have you, or are you playing a victim role in any part of your life?
3. Take a self-assessment (an honest one) when is a time in your life that you played a victim role and/or felt sorry for yourself saying “why is this happening to me”? See if you can notice the stories you were playing in your head. See if you can notice the thoughts that seemed ‘uncontrollable’, thoughts that you took as real feelings. Can you see your ego at work here? Can you see how it was trying to strengthen this newfound identity it had formed?
4. What was your turning point? What action did you take? Did you read something? Watch something? Talk to someone?
5. Take note of these patterns and experiences. Learn from them because there will be times when your ego will try and take hold of you again. If you lose presence you’ll be at the risk to fall trap to compulsive thinking once again and become controlled by your unconsciously directed mind.
6. Do you feel you have the ability to observe your thoughts? Do you have presence? Can you consciously direct your mind? *You answer to these questions will ultimately shape your destiny.
If found yourself in a similar position of struggle, pain or confusion you could do a couple things right now:
- Check out a program that I've created to help a man like yourself and men in a position that I once was - Learn More Here. A program designed to empower you once again. To break free of the pain, the struggle, and fear. To create a life of health, happiness, wealth and personal power.
- Grab a free 1-page tool/scorecard that I've created to help you experience breakthroughs in all dimensions of your life: Personal, Physical, Professional, Finances. Check it out HERE.
- You could begin to implement a step-by-step morning routine that completely changed the game for me and led to major breakthroughs in my life. It's modeled after the ultra-successful. You will feel the powerful affects within days. Check it out HERE.
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Brian Larson
Founder & Creator Kingsman Academy
Founder & Creator KingsmanStrong
Founder & Creator 90-Fit Chick Challenge