Why do we feel such a desperate need to fit in?
Have you ever been to an event or in a completely unfamiliar situation where you started to feel some unease or have anxiety flush through you? You begin to search around for someone that kind of looks like you, or anyone that looks like they’d be easy to talk to, all so you can feel at ease and somewhat comfortable in the situation.
It’s our internal human drive to fit in and to find a sense of comfort in all situations or circumstances.
Is this a bad thing?
I’ll let you decide for yourself, but let me share a story and a message before you do so.
The morning of June 1st, 2015. That was the day I set off to the other side of the world, from Wisconsin to Thailand, for a solo adventure. Just a few weeks prior I bought a one-way flight to Bangkok, I had zero plans other than 3 nights booked in Bangkok – inspired by the movie ‘Hangover 2’, of course!
Just before boarding the plane from Chicago to Bangkok.
Why was I doing this?
Did I enjoy traveling solo?
Wasn’t I nervous?
I absolutely was. I had never traveled solo before and had absolutely no idea what was in store for me when I arrived in Thailand. I was doing it all for one general reason. To intentionally put me into an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation(s).
I was not going for obvious reasons such as - one being the top regret of the elder or dying is, “I wish I would have traveled more” nor was I going solely for an incredible life experience. I was going for personal growth. I was going in order to put myself into situations that would reveal my true self, reveal my fears and reveal my inner weaknesses. If you’ve studied or read some spiritual teachings, you’ll understand when I say that I was going to “reveal my ego.” I was creating an opportunity to expose it (my ego), listen to it, and ultimately practice mastering it.
If you’re unfamiliar with what I am speaking of and you’re saying, “What the hell is he talking about, this dude is loopy!” I’d respond with, “I understand, I truly do. Until 3 years ago I had no idea of the difference between our inner, true essence and that of our egoic mind – the analytical, calculating and impulsive nature of ourselves (the ego). Simply put, it’s simply the part of us that likes to convince ourselves of certain beliefs, thoughts, stories, justifications, labels and identities without ever consciously creating them. It’s the part of us that labels things, “Good” or “Bad”, “I like” or “I dislike”, “I am a businessman” or “I am an athlete”.
Intentionally putting ourselves into a very unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation and environment is the optimum way to expose this part of us – the ego. And that’s precisely what I was doing.
So there I was, sitting on a plane for the start of the 36-hour trip to Bangkok, having absolutely no idea what was in store for me, where I was going to go, who I was going to meet, what I was going to be doing or how I was going to feel.
If you read that sentence over again and frame it in a way that it’s 'You', so that it reads; "There you are, having having absolutely no idea what is in store for you, where you are going to go, who you are going to meet, what you are going to be doing, how you’re going to feel or what is going to happen to you."
Are you stressed, on edge, and worried or are you excited and thrilled in this kind of situation?
Let's think of most people’s everyday life. They pretty much know EXACTY what’s going to happen. What they are going to do. Who they are going to communicate with. Where they are going to go. How long they are going to be there. Etc….
Sure, routine can feel good. It feels good because it’s comfortable. It’s known and one of the greatest fears and paralyzers, in the life of many, is the unknown. It’s frightening to many. It’s too risky. It’s too unfamiliar. It's too unknown.
It’s much easy to simply stick to what you know. But I’ll have you consider for a moment that exposing yourself to the unfamiliar and the unknown is exhilarating and can be one of the most impactful habits of your life.
It all comes down to how you frame the situations. When you think of the unknown scenario above are you the kind of person that anticipates, visualizes, and analyzes all of the worst case scenarios or negative outcomes?
Or are you someone that anticipates, visualizes and projects all of the wonderful things that come from the unknown? You picture meeting amazing people, creating amazing and memorable moments, learning new things, going on a thrilling adventure, growing as a person, learning lessons???
The magic and glory lies in the fact that how we frame the scenario of the unknown is a choice.
Prior to embarking on the Thailand adventure, I battled with both visions. We all do, but at a point we must choose a side. We must look back on our lives for evidence. And where do we find this evidence? Our past. So I did just that.
I chose to look back at my life and identify where I saw the most forward progress as a person and within my life. What did I notice? It all came from taking a bold step out into the completely unknown and the unfamiliar.
I encourage you to reflect back on your life as well. What do you notice? When have you experienced the most forward progress in your life? Were you comfortable during those first days in college? Were you 100% comfortable interviewing for that job or asking for a raise? Did you know the outcome when you quit your job and set out on your own to start a business? Where you comfortable asking her out for the first time? Did you know exactly what would happen or feel 100% comfortable when you brought a child into this world?
Probably not, but I’m betting that you can attribute each of those moments as defining moments in your life, correct?
Although, if you are having hard time finding these moments where you stepped out into the unknown, and you’re not bursting with joy, enthusiasm, fulfillment and passion, I would suggest that there’s a strong correlation between the two.
This was precisely why I made the decision to buy the ticket. It had been too long since I made a bold move out into the unknown and unfamiliar, and I felt it. I was beginning to feel restless, at unease, and yearning for something more. I had been doing what was comfortable for too long. So I took action and intentionally changed this. I did far more action than just Thailand, however, that’s an entirely different post.
But let’s go back to BANGKOK!
I landed in Bangkok and I immediately felt isolated and out of place. However, as I arrived where I was staying for the next 3 days, I felt somewhat at ease for one reason. Prior to leaving I came across a guy that went to the same college as I, who just so happened to be dong the same thing as me, and was in Bangkok. Whew! A quick way to fit in and feel a sense of comfort and known.
The 3 days pasted and he was headed of in a different direction than I decided upon. Then I felt it. This flush of anxiety and stress. I had no idea where I was going yet, nobody I knew was going to be there and I started to feel the effects of this.
I made 5 moves solo while in Thailand and what I noticed, each time, was my ego’s strong desire to find a way to fit in and find some form of comfort as quickly as humanly possible.
The first couple of moves I latched onto this feeling and my behavior followed. I’d immediately try and find someone to “be-friend” it didn’t matter if we shared similar interest, values, beliefs or outlooks at all. All that mattered is that I could find someone that would give me a sense of familiarity and/or comfort for the 2-4 days that I would be there. Which would happen. I’d find a few people, and we’d go on adventures and I’d feel at ease because I “knew” them. Just as I’d begin to feel somewhat comfortable with the area and a sense of “routine” begin to form, it was time to leave. Each time, as I thought about leaving, I would notice the same feelings of unease, a bit of anxiousness, and fear for what was ahead. All because I was, once again, leaving the confines of the known and the sense of comfort.
1st group of friends to find some kind of comfort. Soon we would all part ways and begin the process again.
I’ve taken a major lesson from this. You will feel it each time, as did I. Each time I left a city for another city, or an island for another island – comfort/known for the uncomfortable/unknown – I would feel some form of fear, doubt, worry, unease, anxiety and stress. And what I noticed is that each time I walked into the unknown and unfamiliar I’d meet just as great of people or better, I’d go on just as memorable of adventures or better, I’d be just has happy or more, and I’d become just as comfortable or more than I had been during the last place (the known and comfortable).
So what’s the lesson that lies within? I’m sure you can see it already.
We become so caught up and fearful of the unknown, thinking that it will yield less than desirable results or even worse, it will be/feel/look worse than where we are now! We build up these apocalyptic scenarios and stories in our minds, which many times, keeps us paralyzed by fear, doubt, and worry.
However, what I have found to be true is that everything works out. We will be just fine, new people, new memories, growth and adventure comes with each bold move, each step towards the unknown and the unfamiliar. If we avoid taking these steps we take the greatest risk of all – staying the exact same, living less of a life that is possible and becoming less of a person than we are capable of.
Heading off into the unknown, once again, solo. Wondering if I'll meet anyone, like it, have fun, feel afraid..... moments before something even more grand occurs than what I had previously experienced but here I am, listening to my ego that is concerned with worry, doubt, and fear.
We’re not done digesting this just yet. There’s a couple more lessons and messages to uncover.
Remember how I said that I would try and find someone to “be-friend” at each city and island, simply to feel some form of comfort and to fit in? Disregarding all things such as: values, beliefs, character, will they bring the best of me.….
Well, my question is, “How often do we do this in our ‘real lives’?”
Are the people that we associate with and call friends a result of our need to fit in? It’s a hard question to answer because we like to justify our actions to feel like they are the right ones. But when it comes down to it, are we sacrificing our true values, character and beliefs in favor of fitting in and feeling comfortable?
One of the best and relatable examples that I can use is the time you went of to college (if you were someone who didn’t go to a college with a handful of high-school friends)…remember that feeling the first day? The unease, anxiety, stress, feeling out of place…..frantically looking for an opportunity to fit in, establish a relationship with anyone that would make you feel some form of comfort or familiarity.
That’s what I was experiencing at each stop while traveling solo, in Thailand. It was the 1st day of college at each one.
You may be asking, “Yeah, so what, why does this matter? We want to fit in, big deal.”
I’ll have you consider the following.
How many people live in the same state their entire lives or even their home town?
How many people stay in jobs that leave them feeling empty, bored, frustrated or even depressed?
How many people stay in toxic relationships or one’s that no longer make them feel happy?
How many people have never traveled solo or never travel to the places they really desire?
How many people say no to an opportunity that would require them to change locations or learn a new skill?
How many people have an idea and never act on it?
How many people wish they worked for themselves or could start their own business?
How many people desire switching careers entirely because they’ve lost the passion for their current one?
And they all freeze, remained paralyzed and live with the “wish” for one reason – comfort. To avoid the unknown and the unfamiliar in favor of what they know. The risk of the unknown is too great. The pain of the unknown is perceived as more painful than staying right where they are.
And here's the important thing to understand, there will continue to be paralysis and no change until one of the following scenarios occur:
1. The pain of staying becomes greater than their perceived pain of “leaving” the known.
2. They begin to reframe the unknown and start to envision pleasure which begins to outweigh the pain of the known.
The important fact is that each scenario is a choice. We can create stories, for each, to elicit a specific response/action/behavior or there lack of.
Example: You’re in a toxic relationship. You argue much of the time. The passion is gone. You just kind of put up with each other. But you stay because when you envision leaving him/her you envision yourself begin alone, you don’t want to date, and you begin to think, “What if I never find anyone else, maybe this isn’t that bad, or worse, what if I leave and I end up with someone even worse?” Your visions of the unknown are more painful than your current situation (again, all created by you). So you stay. But then something happens. You happen to meet someone. You begin talking. You begin to run into each other. He/she seems to bring this new found energy and passion within you. You’re happy again. You’re alive again. It’s exciting. Now you begin to envious this new kind of unknown. You see yourself being so happy with him/her. Going on adventures. Intimacy and passion flowing! Now leaving your relationship seems far less painful. The pleasure that you are envisioning (unknown) far outweighs the pain of staying with him/her (known). In other words, staying rightwhere you are (known) becomes much more painful than stepping out into the unknown – again all created by you.
This doesn’t just pertain to intimate relationships – it’s relevant to friendships as well. Do you keep friends for the sake of having the familiarity, comfort, and ease? You may be doing so at the expense of real friendships that positively impact you, your life, and growth as a person – all because we are afraid and feel a need for comfort and familiarity, even if they no longer make us better person.
Knowing this dilemma and understanding human behavior and how we can influence a decision is extremely powerful and a valuable SKILL for us to acquire! Are you starting to see how?
Human behavior is based around two things and two things only:
To avoid pain
To experience pleasure
We can use this as POWER in all facets of our lives. We can intentionally influence ourselves to behave in a desirable way. In a way that positively impacts our lives versus sabotaging our lives.
Example:
We want to lose weight?
So what can we with the power of intentional and personal influence? We can intentionally build up the pain of staying the same - out of shape, exhausted, insecure, lethargic, stressed etc… all while simultaneously and intentionally building up the pleasure of losing weight – confidence, feeling amazing, fit into those clothes, positive attention and appreciation from others, feeling sexy, energy to take on adventures, play with kids, enter that challenge, walk with a skip in our step and jump out of bed each day etc….
You can build the pain and pleasure up to endless amounts, it’s under our control and a choice. This must be done daily. Remind yourself of the pain and consequences for not changing and build up the pleasure and joy of changing.
It’s the ability to master your mind and USE IT to serve you and positively impact your life versus becoming enslaved to the impulsive mind with no direction.
If you stepped into your power and practiced this intentional personal influence do you think it would be easier to change and step into the unknown???
Want to quit your job?
Envision yourself 5 years from now, struggling just as much, hating your boss just as much, being even more depressed and angry each day as you go to work. Envision them stock piling you with more work, more quota, more responsibility which comes with absolutely no appreciation or pay raise. All while you simultaneously envision yourself quitting your job, spending your days doing what you love, spending more time with your friends and family, having money flowing in, never having to check the price on the menu, never having to worry about the price of a vacation, never missing a kids milestone, feeling a sense of appreciation, fulfillment and pride for what you are doing each day. Think you won’t change or step into the unknown???
Looking back on our lives we can see the greatest growth and lessons have come on the footprints of bold decisions and of courageous action to step out into the unknown and expose our self to something that we were not entirely comfortable with, at that time.
We must let this be a lesson and apply the power that we now hold to positively influence our own change and behavior. We must step up and rise up!
If we choose fitting in versus staying true to our values and beliefs, we can expect to never be exposed to those that do in fact share our values and beliefs. We will remain stagnant and at the same level of our association/friends, all at the expense of our authenticity, true self and our future.
If we conform to the influence of our ego, the part of us that desperately feels the need to fit in and feel comfortable, we become quick to conform versus being true to ourselves and living in an authentic way. And conformity is the quickest way to mediocrity and living an average life and living up to just a fraction of our true potential as a man/women/Mom/Dad.
If we choose to stay in the confines of the known, the familiar, and our comfy chair we risk living a life consisting of half the experiences, wonder, joy, adventure and growth had we chosen to step into our power and condition our minds to embrace and seek the unknown and the unfamiliar.
It will be a daily battle. But it’s one that we can win by becoming aware of this dilemma.
Awareness = power.
And with power comes the ability to change and design our lives. This new found personal power enables us to intentionally put ourselves into situations that will expose the ego, giving us an opportunity to listen, to observe but no need to act on it. The more we practice this the more we become the master. As we sit as the master of our mind we begin to lose the need to fit in at all times. We begin to lose the need to feel comfortable at all times. We begin to lose the need to know exactly what’s going to happen. Instead we begin to live more authentically and true this is where we become alive and step into our greatness!
We “buy our ticket!”
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Brian Larson
Creator & Master Trainer - Kingsman Academy
Creator of - KingsmanStrong and 90-day Fit Chick Challenge