I used to be what you might call, “shy”. To give you an idea, I used to avoid going out on dates because I was too shy or self-conscious to eat in front of a girl. I remember multiple times where I would be asked to do something, but it would require eating and I would come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go. Yes, you just read that correct. Sad, I know, but it was the “reality” of my “identity”. Ok Brian, why in the hell do you keep using quotations to signify a term? You will soon see.
For years I let my shyness affect my experiences in life. I’d avoid all situations that would have the chance to place me in a position to speak in front of a group. I’d avoid speaking up and sharing my message, ideas and/or vision even though I felt a burning desire within to do so.
I was playing small. But why?
Because shyness, quiet, introverted or self-conscious was an identity that my ego had formed.
Had I formed this identity consciously or was it through a very few select life experiences or was it conditioned/shaped by the opinions of others?
It could very well be a combination of all.
Why did I not feel as if I could immediately make the shift and consciously design a new identity, one that would serve me and add value to my life?
We all do it. But how and why?
Let me explain…..but first let me ask you a question, and please take a moment to answer this:
Who are you?
Are you any of the following?
I’m an athlete.
I’m (insert your name).
I’m a business man.
I’m an entrepreneur.
I’m funny.
I’m a dare devil.
I’m a democrat.
I’m a risk taker.
I’m shy.
I’m an introvert.
I’m outgoing.
I’m rich.
I’m poor.
I’m good looking.
I car about how I present myself.
I’m fit.
I’m fat.
I’m intelligent.
I’m not that sharp.
I’m good with directions.
I am terrible with directions.
I’m health conscious.
I’m a big person.
If you’ve said yes, well…..You’ve just heard your ego speaking. You heard the ego speaking of its’ identity that it has worked so hard to form over the years. You see, the ego needs labels and an identity to survive. Stay with me here….it will all come together.
The ego.
The ego will form labels and identities based off of 3 things:
- I am what I do (career title, job, profession)
- I am what I have (possessions, bank account, etc…)
- I am what others think of me (reputation)
What is an identity anyway? Well, it’s simply a label given BY the ego, FOR our ego.
The ego needs to form an identity to survive and more importantly it needs an identity for life blueprints.
What do you mean, “life blueprints?”
A set of blueprints to base all beliefs, decisions, actions, behaviors and habits from.
Lets use an example.
Tom, is a ‘Daredevil’. As a kid he was always doing dangerous things and others consistently told him how reckless, crazy and daring he was.
BOOM - the ego latches on to this identity, the ego hears, “I am a Daredevil!.” So the ego says: “Ah, Tom, You are a Daredevil. You love taking risk, you are an adrenaline junky, you don’t mind being reckless.”
The ego - "Look, that's who we need to be. That's going to be our identity!"
Had ‘Tom’ remained conscious and aware of the ego at work, he could have recognized this process. Why does that matter, you ask? Well, in a conscious state, Tom, could have determined if he actually wanted to take on such an identity. Will this identity serve him? Is it in alignment with his life mission, goals, dreams or message?
Now, lets look at how adapting an identity becomes your set of life blueprints. When your ego forms an identity it has one duty, to strengthen that identity at all cost. That identity becomes the basis for all beliefs, decisions, actions and behaviors.
Example: Tom believes (formed unconsciously by the ego) he is a Daredevil. Whenever Tom is faced with a risky challenge or an opportunity to release adrenaline by performing a daring stunt, he jumps at it. Whether it’s done consciously or unconsciously the voices within his egoic mind goes something like this: “Tom, you’re a Daredevil, this is what you do. If you do this, you will become even MORE respected as a Daredevil. Others will look at you in awe.” The ego is simply feeding itself. It needs to strengthen itself and so that’s what it does.
Have you ever made a decision and felt a weird, churning, unease from within?
That’s when you make decisions that go against your identity or make decisions that will weaken the identity that was formed by that of the ego. When you make decisions that threaten the ego, you will feel it, you will hear it fighting like hell to persuade you to make the decision or behave in a way that protects it’s identity. Often times this is done at a subconscious level.
Lets go back to Tom for an example. A friend of Tom’s sets up a 6 car motorcycle jump and asked Tom to join in giving it a try. Tom says: “No”. In this moment he will feel all kinds of turmoil, unease and even nauseous. All because he has just made a decision that weakened his ego. He threatened the identity which the ego has worked so hard to form and strengthen. It will not go without a fight.
Lets use another example. Lets say Sally thinks of herself (her identity formed by that of the ego) as a sophisticated and conservative lady. When one night she “lets loose” (drops her ego and identity) and ends up partying until 2am, dancing wild and getting slightly intoxicated. That next morning you can predict 2 outcomes. One, she will be hungover! :) Two, she will feel a tremendous sense of unease, shame, regret, guilt and frustration. But if she was conscious enough she could recognize why this is occurring. She could observe those thoughts and feelings without becoming entrapped within them. She could simply observe, feel and then release it all, without ever truly identifying with the works of the ego.
Can you see it now?
You may be asking: “That’s great, but if these identities are being formed, shaped or conditioned as a child how can you do anything about it?”
I understand as a kid we may not be able to decipher such questions and awareness, but here is the ultimate message and lesson. At any point in your life you can awaken and become conscious of the ego. Which means at any point in your life you can reflect on the workings of the ego and determine, if in fact, they suit you.
Are they serving you?
Are they adding value to your life?
Are they in alignment with your life’s mission, purpose and/or goals?
Let me use myself as an example. This moment actually happened for me.
Like I said, I was ‘shy’. Meaning my ego had formed an identity, a label of shyness in order to form a set of life blueprints to operate from. When one day I literally asked myself: “Why am I shy?” It was like an awakening. I was ‘shy’ simply because I really BELIEVED that’s who ‘I’ was. My ego had formed it, and I believed it. I then lived as such. I then made decisions as such. I then acted as such. In short, I then lived in alignment to that of ‘shyness’.…… Then I asked myself if this identity is serving me and will this identity or held belief help in my life’s mission?
The answer was clearly, NO.
So in that exact moment, through consciousness and awareness, I redirected my mind and consciously chose to kill that identity and form a new one that would serve me.
Yes, in that exact moment. That is how easy it is. The moment you have awareness and consciousness you kill the ego and you become empowered.
Now, is the process of undoing the identity/ego easy? No, it’s a consistent battle and takes consistent practice, awareness and consciousness because your ego will still fight and fight like hell to entrap you right back into your old identity or what many will call “your old self”.
How many other identities or beliefs do people become entrapped within?
“I’m fat.” (Unconsciously they believe this. It has been formed by the ego either through life experiences, unconsciously, or from the opinions of others) So they act as such. So they make decisions as such. So they behave in alignment with that identity and belief.
“I’m not good at speaking.” So they act in alignment. So they make decisions in alignment. So they live as such.
“I’m not a morning person.”
“I’m not a writer.”
“I’m not a funny.”
“I’m not a risk taker.”
“I’m not creative like that.”
“I’m not competitive.”
All self-proclaimed. Have you form these identities with a consciously directed mind? Did you intentionally form them? Are these beliefs and identities adding value to your life? Are they making your life more joyful? Think deeply about it. What are the identities and beliefs you hold of yourself?
Do you believe that you can consciously choose any identity or beliefs you wish? I sure hope you do. However, your ego will profess to you otherwise. You may be able to hear that metal battle going on right now as you read this. Can you hear it? Observe that voice right now…….Awareness is power.
The sad fact is that many people will live their entires lives entrapped within their unconsciously formed ego and within their unconsciously formed identity and beliefs without ever becoming aware enough to ask the question: “Is this who I WANT to be? Is this what I want to believe?.” All too often you’ll hear that person say: “That’s just me. This is who I am!” They protect “it” (the identity and belief) like a jewel, but in reality it’s the ego speaking and protecting.
You may be saying, “Ok, what’s the point of all this?”
There is a major take-away here. An awareness and realization that you can consciously create any identity you wish becomes empowerment. Empowerment to USE your mind as a tool, and in a way that adds value to your life, in a way that makes your life better, in a way that serves You!
That’s precisely what I did just a few short years ago.
Always remember…..
As soon as you identify with a label (form an identity) and you believe it, you’ll live in alignment with that identity/label. Your actions, your beliefs, your desires, your behaviors will all be in 100% alignment with your identity (once you’ve completely identified with that label/identity).
Use this knowledge as power and consciously design your own identity, one that will serve you.
And here’s a question I hate….”Who are you?”
That question immediately abolishes all power from a person. It’s as if you have no ability to create, you are just trapped within a body and mind that was given to you with a very specific identity, which you must live out and live in alignment with. In short, you’ve become enslaved to the ego and an unconsciously directed mind.
We must reframe that question to one of empowerment.
Here’s the empowering question and the real question that should be asked:
It’s a simple, but complex question.
“Who do you WANT to be?”…..
”What kind of person/identity do you WANT to have?”
“Who do you WANT to show up in this world as?”
By simply reframing this question from, ‘ARE’ to ‘WANT’, you’ve empowered yourself. You frame it as ‘You’ being the creator.
Use your mind as a tool. A tool that serves You.
Self-Creation not self-entrapment. Self-Mastery not Self-entrapment. That’s the key to a personally liberated life!
Again, I encourage you to listen. You may hear your ego screaming right now. Proclaiming how you do NOT have the free will or ability to simply choose who you want to be or your own thoughts. The key is to recognize this voice, observe it, but don’t judge it, don’t identify with it. Simply observe it. Notice the ego doing it’s job, to strengthen it’s identity and fiercely protecting what it has worked so hard to form.
The moment you become aware of this mental chatter is the moment you’ve created space between your egoic mind and you’re true nature, your true Being. This is also the moment you’ve become empowered to consciously direct your mind in a way that serves you. When I really absorbed and understood that last statement, everything changed for me.
It’s the most liberating fact in the world and it’s worth reading over and over and over again. If a person still can’t entirely comprehend that statement or completely believe that statement, they are still trapped within the ego. They're still completely identified with the ego.
Now, most spiritual teachings will say we must kill off the ego completely. I tend to disagree slightly with that claim. I believe it’s essential to become aware and recognize the ego, then through a consciously directed mind, consciously create an ego that serves your life purpose and mission. What I mean is to master the mind. Become who you WANT to be, consciously declare who you need to be in order to live out your mission, dreams and purpose.
However; we must be in consistent awareness of the ego and not become entrapped by the ego. We must keep the separation from our true essence (I) and that of the CONSCIOUSLY created ego.
That, is the way of a intentional living. That, is Self-Mastery. That, is Self-Creation.
Reflection Questions:
- Who are you?
- Did you consciously form your identity?
- Are your beliefs and identities serving you? Are they adding value to your life?
- Who do you WANT to be?
- What beliefs and identities do you need to CONSCIOUSLY create in order to live out your dreams and mission in life?
- Who must you become in order to be the person you WANT to be?
- Who do you want to show up in the world as?
Think Different - Live Different
Brian - Founder of - Kingsman; Creator and Master Trainer - Kingsman Academy