I was in a relationship for 6 years. Like so many relationships, it ended. The end turned my world upside down (read about ‘When I Hit Absolute Rock Bottom). At the time it brought me to my knees, but later on, I would look back at that moment as the greatest turning point in my life – for the good. It was setting me up for what has recently come into my life and led me to becoming the man I am today.
It has been almost 4 years since that long-term relationship and other than a brief 3-month relationship between, I’ve been single. From the age of 27 to 31, it was just me. There were a few dates, but I never put effort into any kind of pursuit. I was not going to fill the emptiness and void that I felt within by chasing or jumping into another relationship. Doing so would have done nothing but put a Band-Aid on the insecurity, loneliness, and void that I was experiencing.
Often times we do just that. We move from one relationship to the next as a means to avoid our internal pain or ever having to deal with our own issues or personal development. We enter into another relationship so we can feel happy, needed, loved, wanted and excited again, without ever having to work on the biggest problem of all – I.
Have you ever been in a relationship, moved to another and the same issues that occurred in the previous relationship eventually seemed to surface in the new one?
That’s because we never took the time to work on ourselves. We never took the time to truly be alone. To be happy, content, excited and fulfilled – alone. Alone to work on our own well-being, our psychology, our happiness, self-love, self-esteem, our health and our needs. Or take the time to understand what we truly want out of life and what a healthy relationship really means to us.
Many relationships seem to be based on need. Two people using the other to fill an internal void, pain, loneliness, and insecurity. Eventually, this will lead to one, or both, depending on the other to continue filling this void. They will begin to come from a place of expectation, need, want and receiving versus appreciation, gratefulness, respect, support and giving.
One is coming from a place of insecurity, lack of self-love and lack of spiritual connection. Where the other scenario is coming from a place of assurance, self-awareness, and spiritual connection.
So after I made this very mistake after my 6-year relationship, I took a step back and made the conscious decision to focus 100% on me and becoming the best man that I could become. I was not entering into another relationship until I was confident, secure, happy and developed into a man that could bring something great INTO a relationship versus looking to TAKE from a relationship to fill a void or pain.
Has a relationship ended and you found yourself immediately searching for another man or women?
Maybe you jumped on dating apps, but never really pursued it, you just needed to know someone was interested in you? You started texting other men or women from your phone? You starting going out more, searching, looking, hoping? Getting numbers at the bar, club and starting a “cute” text exchange?
When we find ourselves doing this we are coming from a place of need and insecurity. We are desperately trying to find ways to feel wanted and needed in order to numb our pain and fill our internal void and insecurity.
Have you ever done this?
If so, use this as a learning opportunity and an opportunity to GROW as an INDIVIDUAL.
That’s precisely what I did.
I stopped searching for attention from the other sex. I stopped looking for another girlfriend. I stopped worrying about finding another relationship. I stopped thinking about wanting another girlfriend or thinking that I needed to be in a relationship. I stopped the thought that finding another girlfriend would make me happy again.
I started worrying about one person – myself. Was this selfish? At first glance, one may think it is. But what’s more selfish:
a. Someone who jumps to another relationship coming from a place of need and insecurity?
b. Someone who takes the time to focus on their personal development and becoming the best man or women that they can be – alone – before they bring their best self into another relationship?
Taking this approach was one of the best decisions of my life. My growth as a man has been significant. The clarity that I generated around relationships, my mistakes, my issues and my insecurities has been enlightening and prepared me for the present day.
Simply put, I’m living at a higher level of consciousness and self-awareness.
Why does this even matter?
Well, when we are living at lower levels of consciousness and self-awareness our relationships are negatively affected. Often times, it leads to a roller-coaster of emotions, fighting, blaming, resentment and defending our ego, beliefs and what we believe are ‘truths.’
First, let's examine the difference between a person living at a lower level of consciousness and self-awareness (ego based and living at our lower-self) versus a person living at a higher level of consciousness, self-awareness, and living from their highest self.
Living From Your Lower-self:
- Attach their significance and self-worth to labels, status/reputation, and material things or possessions. Job title, bank account, social following, sales, size of home etc…
- A slave to their impulsive mind. Reacting to their emotions, feelings and thoughts without any real observation as to what those thoughts, feelings, and emotions really mean.
- Believe in, “You are who you are” "Take it or leave it and that’s just they way it is" kind of mentality. Social conditioning and conformity will have them believe that they are a specific ‘type’ of person: shy, wealthy, brave, a dreamer, clumsy, poor, prone to bad luck, can’t get a break, prone to sickness, aloof…..and they hold on to these beliefs as absolute truths and live their lives as such – they manifest the very things that hold them back or do not desire of themselves. They have a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset.
- Lack the self-awareness and higher levels of consciousness needed to observe their thoughts and consciously direct their mind or thoughts in a way that positively impacts their lives. Tend to focus on and amplify thoughts that lead to feelings of stress, worry, doubt, fear, and insecurity. They’re living in a state of reaction and default versus self-creation and intention.
Living from Your Higher Self:
- A free and consciously directed mind that positively serves you. A person living from their higher self still has negative thoughts, feelings, and/or emotions; however, the difference is that they are consciously aware of these thoughts, feelings and emotions and therefore have the ability to observe them, release them and redirect their minds in a way that will positively impact their life and well-being. They CHOOSE whether or not it’s healthy to hold on to the thought, react to the emotion or if they shall release and shift the thought to one that will create more happiness, confidence, and joy. They do not attach to every thought that passes through. Instead, they observe, contemplate and consciously choose which thoughts to magnify or release. SELF-MASTERY.
- They hold on to their power of self-creation. They come from an understanding that THEY are the creator of their own reality. They do not live by default. Instead, they create their own reality with intention. Instead of saying, “This is who I am” they ask themselves, “Who do I want to become?” And from that answer they begin to intentionally take bold and courageous actions that support their desires and dreams. Can you see the significant difference between the two mindsets? The fixed mindset (I am the way I am. It is the way it is) versus growth mindset – one of self-creation and self-mastery.
- They believe in the formless, the timeless and the infinite – our true essence – the part of us that is experiencing life through the physical body. They are the observer, the experiencer. When you come from this position you can begin to comprehend the concept of manifestation and self-creation. You begin to see how you have the complete control and power to direct your life with intention. You see that you can manifest any and all of your desires and dreams. You no longer live as a victim or a life by default. You step INTO your power versus relinquishing all of your power.
Can you see the significant difference between a relationship with two individuals living from their higher self and higher levels of consciousness versus a relationship with tow individuals living from their lower self and lower levels of consciousness?
It’s significant!
I firmly believe that most relationships suffer and fail due to this very fact. One or both are living from their lower self, lower levels of consciousness and trapped within their egoic mind. They lack self-awareness and come from a place of average consciousness. All which negatively affect a relationship.
Let’s use an example so you can see a real life example:
Scenario A:
Person with a lower Level of Consciousness, self-awareness and living from their lower self
(Action)
You see your significant other take a look at another man/woman with what you think is more than just a glance.
(Elicits a thought)
You immediately think, “What was that all about?!” Rather than just let it pass, you continue to focus on this thought and action. You amplify this initial thought which then turns into, “He/she must have been attracted to him/her.” Instead of letting that thought pass, you hold onto that one as well. You continue to focus on it, which amplifies into another thought, “I bet they are cheating on me. If they were only into me they would never do anything like that!”
(Elicits an emotion)
These ever-amplifying thoughts elicit a strong emotion within you. You feel the pains of insecurity, jealousy, anger, confusion, stress, anxiety. Rather then taking the OPPORTUNITY to explore these feelings further as a way to understand why they are occurring and what they mean, you end up holding them in and never address them (leading to built up frustration, anger, pain and resentment) or you react to these emotions and thoughts that you chose to intensify. You react by accusing, yelling, picking a fight, belittling, manipulating, making a scene….the reactions that may occur, are endless.
(Either elicits a reaction or you begin to intensify the negative thought you chose to hold onto.)
Never turning inward to understand why you’re feeling the way you are, results in even more intensification of the insecurity, lack of trust, anger, confusion, resentment, worry and doubt that you are feeling. This results in passiveness, doubt, anger, and/or accusations.
(The Result)
A rocky relationship. One that begins to be based on mistrust, a power struggle and battle, passive aggressiveness, false accusations, assumptions, bickering, controlling, emotional manipulation, unhappiness, lack of bond and a feeling of competing against one another.
Scenario B:
A person coming from a higher conscious, self-awareness and living from their highest self.
(Action)
You see your significant other look at another man/woman with what you think is more than just a glance.
(Elicits a thought)
You immediately notice and observe a thought pops into your head, “What was that all about?!” You observed this thought and then you contemplated the thought by asking yourself the following question, “Will holding onto this thought improve my well-being? Will it improve the quality of our relationship? Am I trying to create a problem that does not even exist?” You then CONSIOUSLY CHOOSE to release that thought, never giving it your energy or focus for it to amplify and magnify.
(Elicits an emotion)
You noticed that your thought, “What was that all about?!” Elicited an emotion within you. Instead of reacting to that emotion or using it as a justification for your thoughts and feelings or reaction, you take the time to learn from this feeling. You turn inward and ask yourself questions such as: “Where is this feeling coming from? Has it hit some past scares? Has it triggered my insecurity, my low self-esteem, my lack of confidence, my own unhappiness, my lack of self-worth?” This gives you an opportunity to observe your ego. You can learn its’ weaknesses and where you may need to direct more personal growth. However, because you’re more consciously aware, you don’t latch onto this feeling or emotion as You. You understand that it’s the creation of your ego. You’re simply the observer and experiencer of the scenario, thoughts, and feelings. You can learn from this and begin to consciously CREATE a healthier ego and create your own reality of the situation – one that will serve you and the relationship. So you observed the thought, contemplated it and then CHOOSE to shift the thought. You release your initial thought and CONSCIOUSLY CREATE a new thought, “They were probably wearing something weird.” Both thoughts were created within your mind, however, one serves while the other hinders. We observe both, we contemplate both and we have THE POWER TO CHOOSE EITHER thought and CHOOSE to focus on EITHER one. Understanding this concept and power is true LIBERATION and self-mastery.
(Either elicits a reaction or you begin to intensify the negative thought that you chose to hold onto.)
You took notice of the thought and the feelings that followed. You can react as a conscious adult living from their highest self in two ways:
1. Through communication and as a means to strengthen your relationship – you could immediately bring up this scenario with your partner, explaining the exact thought you had, the emotion and feelings that it elicited. You explain that you want to use this as a learning opportunity about YOURSELF. You explain how you’re wondering why it has brought up these kinds of feelings and you realize that your ego has been hit. You explain and talk about why this may be….Why are you feeling the insecurity, the lack of trust, the doubt???? For this to be effective, it usually requires two adults that have higher levels of conscious and are living at their highest self.
2. You release the thought, shift to one that serves you and use this as an opportunity to grow as a person. An opportunity to understand why this has been a trigger to an emotion or a pain that you felt within. What is it telling you about your ego? Always remember that you are the observer and experiencer of this all, it is not You – your true essence. This may be the option, one has to take, when in a relationship where the partner is still living at lower levels of consciousness and self-awareness.
(The Results)
Even higher levels of consciousness and awareness. Higher levels of personal growth and understanding. Higher levels of communication, trust and respect within the relationship. A better understanding of your ego’s pain points, unhealed scars, triggers, and insecurities. An opportunity for more spiritual awareness and enlightenment.
Every day is an opportunity for this kind of growth and we can CHOOSE to “see” it or choose to let it control us. One is the way of an intentional life and liberation while the other is they way of a life by default and enslavement.
Can you begin to see the drastic difference between two adults in a relationship who are BOTH living at a higher level of consciousness and self-awareness versus two adults that are living at low levels of consciousness, self-awareness and living from their lower self?
Wouldn’t you agree that one of the healthiest and most beneficial things that you could do not only your OWN well-being, but the well-being and health of your relationship, is to change YOU so that you can begin to live at higher levels of consciousness and living at YOUR highest self!?
But what do most people do?
They focus on changing the other person. All while never understanding that they are creating their own reality. If, instead, they made the decision to work on themselves and begin to live at their highest self, learn self-mastery and self-creation they would begin to CONSCIOUSLY create a reality of more happiness, joy, love, abundance, and wealth.
Everything that I have just explained to you, I have experienced. I’ve taken the last 4 years (being single) to work on myself – mind, body, spirit. I’ve used the time to begin to live at a higher level of consciousness, self-awareness and from my highest self.
Am I perfect? Far from it, but I’m light years ahead of where I was just 4 years ago.
Just recently I began seeing and dating a wonderful woman and it has been an INCREDIBLE opportunity for even more spiritual growth and enlightenment. I’ve had thoughts come and feelings emerge. The same kinds of thoughts and feelings that I had when I was living at my lower self and lower levels of consciousness.
The difference this time around?
My reaction and what I have consciously CHOSEN to do.
Has it been easy? No. But there’s a massive difference.
My old self would have magnified these thoughts, insecurities, and doubts. I would have focused on them, held them in until they would have been expressed through an unhealthy action or they would have formed as an unhealthy belief or truth. I would have begun to build a wall, stubbornness, and resentment. All formed from an unconsciously directed mind that chose to focus on a negative thought, magnify it and harness the emotion that came along with the process.
That is no longer the case. I now:
- Observe (notice the thought)
- Contemplate (does this thought serve me?)
- Choose (what thoughts I decide to focus on and/or release)
I choose to HARNESS MY POWER. My power to create my own reality. I choose to step into my power. My power of self-creation and self-mastery. I am the creator.
And it’s my wish that you do the same.
Step into your power. Harness your power to create your own reality and create a reality of love, happiness, joy, health, and wealth!
CHOOSE TO MANIFEST YOUR GREATEST DESIRES AND DREAMS. You have the power to do just that.
You are the creator!
Reflection Questions:
- Are you living at lower levels of consciousness and self-awareness? Do you hold onto negative thoughts that result in worry, doubt, fear, and stress? If so, you are.
- Do you find yourself reacting to emotions without taking the time to analyze why you feel the way you do? You usually regret these reactions later on or find yourself defending your action.
- Do you feel like you’re in a toxic relationship? One filled with emotional manipulation, bickering, belittling, passiveness, fighting, battling? If so, how can YOU change? How can YOU create more happiness, joy, love and peace? What thoughts are you holding onto and/or magnifying that are resulting in more toxicity and/or your own unhappiness, worry, stress, fear, doubt and lack of trust? Begin to master your mind and create your own reality
- Are you currently doing everything that you can to become the best person that you can possibly be? Are you committed to being a great person?
- Are you cherishing your power, your power to create your own reality? Or are you relinquishing your power by believing that “You are who you are and things are they way they are.”? We have the power to create our own happiness and we have the power to create our unhappiness – we choose.
3 Action Steps (TIPS):
- To reach higher levels of consciousness and self-awareness – meditate 20 min each day. This will transform your life, guaranteed.
- Begin to take notice of your thoughts and the stories that run through your mind like an assembly line. Observe them, without reacting and decide which ones you will keep and which ones you will let pass on by.
- Three times, each day, take the time to stop, take 10 deep breaths and place 100% focus on your breath…the rising and falling of your chest. Begin to FEEL you, the energy of your entire body. Be HERE, now.
If you'd like specific coaching, guidance and programs that will help you reach higher levels of consciousness and your highest self so that you can experience healthier relationships, more abundance, better health and a more enriched life, I'd encourage you to check out the 6-phase personal transformation online program Kingsman Academy.
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Think Different - Live Different
Brian Larson